Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
