I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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