Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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