Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
