I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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