I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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