Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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