Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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