She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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