somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
