omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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