Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
