The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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