Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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