i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I can't turn off my feet"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
