I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
