Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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