he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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