i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
