Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
