Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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