I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
