This is not my ceiling
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
