Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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