just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
