You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
