I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
