we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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