hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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