I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
