I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
