I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
