I need help removing her.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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