10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
