i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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