me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
