one might say we're banned from that church
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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