According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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