Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
