dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
