My sheets look like a crime scene.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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