god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My brain says no but my pants say off.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
