Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
vagina is talking i cant
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
