Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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