i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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