I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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