Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
