Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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