Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We have so much sex to catch up on
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
