Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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