I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
